One of our greatest human needs is to feel understood.
And that begins long before words.
When a child cries, screams, or throws themselves on the floor, what we often see is only the behaviour. But behind it, there is an emotion.
And every emotion simply wants to be seen. It wants to be validated.
According to the RIE approach, founded by Magda Gerber, validation is not agreement. It is acknowledging what a child feels, even when we do not approve of what they are doing.
“You’re feeling angry because I said no.”
“You really wanted that toy, and you’re feeling frustrated.”
“I know it’s hard to wait.”
These phrases may not resolve the conflict in the moment, but they do something far more important: they show the child that their feelings are legitimate.
And when a child feels understood, their body begins to relax. The brain starts to reorganise.
Connection is restored.
Validating feelings teaches children that everything they feel is allowed — but not everything can be acted upon.
And it is precisely this distinction that helps them gradually develop self-regulation and empathy.
The absence of validation, on the other hand, sends subtle messages:
“You’re overreacting.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“Stop crying.”
Even when said with good intentions, these phrases communicate that feeling is wrong. The child begins to suppress their emotions, to doubt them.
Over time, this can grow into adults who struggle to name what they feel, who believe they must “be strong” at all times, and who fear their own vulnerability.
When we validate, we are saying:
“I see you.”
“Your feelings matter.”
“You are allowed to be exactly as you are, even in the middle of tears.”
And it is in this space of acceptance that true attachment is formed — the kind that does not depend on smiles, but on presence.
Validation is not just an educational strategy.
It is an act of love.
It teaches children, from the very beginning, that everything human is welcome.