Here in Australia, the phrase “sharing is caring” is almost automatically repeated when we talk about children. The intention is usually positive: to teach empathy, kindness, and consideration for others. But in light of RIE principles, it is worth pausing to reflect… Does forcing a child to share truly teach these values?
Many adults believe that by insisting a child lend a toy, they are learning to share, to be empathetic, to think of others. However, in practice, what many children actually learn is something quite different: that their feelings do not matter as much, that saying “no” is not allowed, and that someone bigger will decide what should be done with what belongs to them.
Let’s imagine a situation between adults. You buy a new outfit or a special piece of make-up. A friend comes over, loves it, and asks to use it. Deep down, you don’t want to lend it. Perhaps you’ve just bought it, perhaps it feels personal, or perhaps you simply don’t feel comfortable — and that is completely valid. Now imagine someone telling you that you must share, that refusing would be selfish, that “sharing is caring”. Even if you understand the request rationally, the internal feeling would likely be discomfort, intrusion, or even guilt.
With children, something very similar happens. When we insist they lend something they truly value — especially when they are not developmentally ready — we are not teaching empathy. We are often generating negative emotions: frustration, anger, shame, or sadness. And forced feelings rarely turn into genuine learning.
Empathy does not grow from obligation, but from the experience of being respected. A child whose boundaries are acknowledged learns, over time, to recognise the boundaries of others. When we say, “I can see you’re not ready to lend it right now,” or “That toy is important to you,” we help the child feel secure in their emotions. And it is from that sense of security that spontaneous acts of generosity eventually emerge.
This does not mean we can never talk about considering others or taking turns. It simply means we do not need to force sharing in order to teach care. We can acknowledge the other child’s desire, support waiting, offer alternatives, and trust emotional development. Sharing that comes from within is far more powerful than sharing under pressure.
Perhaps the question is not, “How do I make my child share?”
But rather: “How can I create an environment where they feel respected enough to one day want to share?”